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Aren't you sick of all of these crappy teenage actresses gone singers that have just a mic, a shitty songwriter, and hi-tech voice altering software, not actual talent?
Me too. That's why I'm relieved that we finally have a real new rising star, Lindsay Lohan. Check out her latest video, Rumors, at this website. She demonstrates her amazing skills, including wielding a lightsaber, dropping expensive electronic equipment, and dry-fucking an elevator (seriously, what does an elevator have that I don't?).
Amidst shaky lip-syncing and throaty screams of "WHAT," she sings/screeches "Can you please respect my privacy" and then we cut to more shots of her getting it on with the elevator. What the hell? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks it's a little odd that Lindsay thinks the best way to stop people from gossiping about her whoring around is by putting out (haha) a video of her fucking elevators, people, doorknobs, birdcages, and anything else in sight.
I think the time elapsed from the beginning of a celebrity's singing career to her first "it sucks being a pop star" song is directly correlated with the length of time it takes to move from pre-teen idol status to slutty sex symbol. Britney didn't release "Lucky" ("She's so lucky, she's a star/But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart") until her second CD. She was also at the height of her pop queen status for a few years. Lohan, on the other hand, released "Rumors" as her first single (from an actual album). I predict 6 months till she's posing in Maxim. Then on her next album: "Why does everyone call me a whore/I'm not a little girl anymore/I'm just trying to be myself." And in a couple more years, in a desperate attempt to reverse her fade from the public eye, she'll pull a Hilton and "accidentally" release a sex tape, maybe get a Vegas wedding annulled, star on a reality show or two, and then resign herself to the celebrity life of short-lived marriages, habitual plastic surgery, and ever-declining standards as her stardom diminishes.
Wouldn't it rock if in Star Wars Episode VI Darth Vader took off his mask and it was Lindsay Lohan?
"Now Luke, my son, help me remove my top so I may look upon you with my own tits."